Sexual intimacy is one of the strongest emotions that can be experienced by partners when combined with deep affection and love. This is why many relationships see a very deep, sexually active phase seen during the honeymoon phase of the bond. But often, life catches up with us all, and it begins to fade out, and the act of lovemaking can start feeling like another robotic thing to do with your partner. Even the acts of self-pleasure and masturbation can start to be devoid of the euphoric emotions of pleasure. This is a very complex emotion and needs to be understood because it can be due to various factors.
According to research published in the Cornell Chronicle, sex can also become a “chore” due to unequal division of household labor, leading to resentment and exhaustion..When women handle the majority of chores, they often view partners as dependents, reducing desire. Conversely, equitable sharing of chores or when men do more housework is linked to higher sexual frequency
5 Reasons Why Sex Feels Like A Chore These Days
1. Are you just stressed out, or is it something else?
If life has gotten increasingly stressful in recent months and years, then your physical body has taken up so much of your capacity that your emotional health has taken a slight backseat. Prolonged physical stress has been shown to have multiple negative effects on the individual’s health, causing irregular sleep, digestive issues, hormonal issues, emotional dysregulation, general burnout, and, yes, challenges in sexual performance.
This means you need to really think about taking that vacation that you have been putting off. Even if it’s just the weekend at your disposal, work on identifying significant origin points of your stress and find the energy to compartmentalize if you can’t stop them. Amazing sex happens when you and your partner share the same emotional space, combined with the intensity of emotions that you have for each other, and it is harder to be on that wavelength with work and life’s stress getting in the way.
2. Is this on your to-do list?
Humans are a species of habit. Some of us have life schedules, and others don’t. But we often try to indulge in things that we have a history of enjoying. If you are a sexually active person, then you would like to indulge in sex as often as you possibly can, because endorphins and the feedback of adrenaline are addictive. However, if you are getting emotionally lost in your head to the point that you can do mental mathematics in your head or get lost in an alternate train of thought, that is something to worry about.
It is absolutely alright to indulge in sex without the emotional attachments, but when it begins to feel like a mechanical activity, it is good to create a self-check-in. It is positive if you are able to evaluate what led you here and find your way back. Sex creates a strong bridge between your psyche and deep emotional needs that are not often evident. Do you think you need a reset?
3. Is this thanks to imbalanced hormonal levels?
No, this is not for the PCOD/ PCOS masses. Hormones do so much more than keep a check on your menstrual cycle. Men with dwindling levels of testosterone, people with a genetic predilection for low fertility and women in perimenopause and post-menopause are very prone to seeing a significant drop in sex drive.
This is linked to multiple issues, as hormonal health is regulated by both genetic factors and external signals of the body. If you are someone in this category, an endocrinologist might help you make a dent in this challenge.
4. Is this because of emotional distance?
This is seen in both people with long term partners and those who prefer more short-term partners. Emotional distance is a sign of dwindling emotional intensity and a deep sense of disconnection between you and your partner. This is associated with other challenges such as reduced intimacy, communication, and, at times, trust. Also called the ‘roommate effect’, this is a major emotional hurdle for individuals who have long-term partners.
This begins to create a defence mechanism against you feeling vulnerable and may be caused by various factors such as unresolved conflict, burnout, and fear, among others. Dealing with this involves intentional communication, trust rebuilding exercises with your partner and empathy. When explored with the help of a professional, this may deepen the connection you share with your partner and help you create a positive reset.
5. Is this a feeling of expectation or a requirement by your partner?
Have you ever been in a state where you may not be in the mood, but your partner is? It is an almost sinking feeling for those caught on the lack of mood side of things. Such individuals may attempt to carefully say no in ways different than simply saying ‘no’. This is commonly seen when there is hesitation that your partner might not respond in affirmation of your no, or when you might feel like saying no might cause your partner to become upset. This creates negative feedback, and you may keep getting caught in similar standoffs with your partner.
If you are caught in this cycle, it is time to introspect and self-explore. Is your lowered libido caused by the fact that sex has become uninteresting? Do you think experimenting and trying something new might help? Perhaps it is time to have a conversation with your partner and find out if you both might want to indulge in something new or try things you haven’t before.
FAQ’s:
What is the result of unmanaged stress on relationships and sex drive?
A. Prolonged stress can make you withdraw from things that gave you joy over time, including sex. This will eventually affect the bond between you and your partner as well.
Can anxiety make sex feel like work?
A. Yes. Lack of deep emotional stability and grounding can often cause you to wonder and be edgy to the point of panic. Any form of anxiety and spiralling due to psychological challenges may affect your physical, emotional, and sexual health.
What is the 7-7-7 rule for couples?
A. This is a date night every 7 days, a short getaway every 7 weeks, and a romantic longer trip every 7 months- to ensure that the partners remain in a healthy, emotionally engaged relationship.
I could be just physically exhausted, and hence sex probably feels a bit like a chore, right?
A. Ideally, yes. But an important underlying cause of prolonged physical exhaustion with low levels of stress may often indicate something deeper at play. Exhaustion may mean that your physical health needs a check-in with the pros. Anything from prolonged lower levels of certain minerals, low hemoglobin, to hormonal imbalance may cause prolonged exhaustion.
